Chinese Women in Love and Marriage - Excerpts

 Chinese Women in Love and Marriage

Let's bridge the gulf of misunderstandings & intolerance, cultivate cultural awareness & diversity

 through intercultural love and marriage, and lead to a better world in which to live!

Book Excerpts


A Guide book to Happiness in Cross-Cultural Relationships


Chinese Women

Asian Dating Tips

Asian Dating Precautons

Chinese Women

1. How Chinese women differ from Western women?

In late 2004 Dawn Xiao Yan Li conducted an email survey for the chapter on Western attitudes toward love and marriage in my book (Chinese language) [2]. I sent the questionnaire to fifty Western men from our Asian Promise, ranging from thirty to sixty years of age. One of the twelve questions I posed was:


"Do you think Chinese women are different from Western women? If yes, how?"


The answers I received were all definitely "yes", noting both cultural and physical differences. The results were very close to those found in my own cross-cultural experience. The answers are summarized below [3]:


  • Western women tend to be the equal of their male counterparts. Because of this many tend to act like men. Chinese women are not afraid to be women. Chinese women have opinions and work hard and disagree with their loved ones too, but they still remain feminine.

  • Western women are more direct, outgoing and experienced in love. They know what they want and achieve it with much confidence. Chinese women are more timid, more reserved, and less confident. They often put others’ views and feelings before their own, which causes them to lose some of their own personality.

  • Western women put more value on the quality of the marriage, while Chinese women give more value to the marriage itself. Therefore Chinese women are more willing to overcome their difficulties or even live with the difficulties within the marriage, rather than abandoning it entirely.

  • Western woman are more independent than Chinese women in general.

  • Chinese women are willing to work hard and save money because the memory of their old lives is still fresh. They tend to worry about tomorrow rather than to enjoy today.

  • They have a different style of beauty: Chinese women have black hair, brown eyes, smooth hairless skin, more petite bodies, and exhibit a quiet oriental elegance.

2. Why choose Chinese women?

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3. Why do Chinese women choose you?

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Asian Dating Dips

To help you to learn and adjust to Chinese cultures, I have listed the following cultural tips that are related to dating and marriage. Chinese cultures are the products of Chinese history. If you know Chinese history or you have read chapters 1 and 2 of this book, then you will understand the Chinese cultures below easily.


  1. During dating, many ladies are still a little coy and would like to be chased by men rather than initiating moves. If they do write to you first, please be encouraging, polite and responsive.
  2. Good education means a good future in China , so be understanding if she pays more attention on one’s education level than you do (refer to Chapter 4).
  3. Good financial status means security, which is important for the relationship to Chinese ladies. It is different from being money-minded.
  4. People’s salary, age and health are not treated as private matters and can be asked about.
  5. Ladies who have divorced or widowed, with or without children, have difficulties in finding a husband again in China . Here is your chance to find a mature and charming Chinese lady! 
  6. If she has a good command of English, she is normally well educated.
  7. If she speaks little English, it doesn't necessarily mean her English is bad. It could be that she has had no chance to practice. Be patient, she will pick it up soon.
  8. It is common not to have a religion in China because religions had been banned in Mao's time (refer to Chapter 1).
  9. Please let her know your intentions in dating cause many ladies are still dating for marriage only (refer to Chapter 2).
  10. She may not be so punctual, good at booking ahead or keeping to dates or appointments. Please give her a chance to learn the Western way on timing and booking.
  11. In a date, men are expected to pay for dinners, shows, and other expenses. Sharing the cost is too advanced a manner for her during dating (refer to Chapter 3).
  12. Most ladies can not drink alcohol, therefore for either social occasions or for a date, going out for dinner is strongly recommended instead of going out for a drink.
  13. Most ladies are too shy to say "I love you". They may say “I like you” instead.
  14. Chinese ladies show their feelings in an elegant and indirect way. They may love you very much, but not telling you or showing it on the surface.
  15. Most ladies show their love by looking after you, e.g. your outfit, your food, your health and etc. It doesn’t mean that she wants to control your life.
  16. If your girlfriend helps you to tidy up your room on her visit or look after you when you are sick, it means that she likes/loves you and wants to do something for you. Do not feel offended.
  17. Asking about people’s health and looking after him/her when he/she is unwell is one of the important ways to show your concern and love to him/her.
  18. ...

Read more Asian dating cutural tips, please download "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage"


Asian Dating Precautons

1. Chinese Dating and Marriage Agencies/Brokers

As everyone in China knows, there are many money-minded dating and marriage agencies/brokers in China. They make their money by using people who want to get out of China or who are naive. Their customers normally speak little or no English and come from poor remote areas of China. The agencies charge enormous sums of money (roughly equivalent to two year's salary) in return for guarantees to find a foreign husband for them. Nowadays more and more agencies in China are starting to use the Internet to find foreign husbands for their customers. They divide their service into three stages and charge their customers at each stage: finding/writing fee, meeting fee and success/marriage fee. The agencies look for dates and communicate with the dates on behalf of their customers. Some agencies don't tell their customers the contact details of the men they are dating so that they can control the whole dating progress.


Many foreign men who have met ladies on the Internet are blind to the truth. When they finally meet their lover they find she is not the one they have corresponded with over the months, and discover her knowledge of English is very poor. Because there was actually no real communication, they find therefore there is no real love. Most such relationships through agencies, sooner or later, fail.


I often hear stories from men like the following:


"I arrived with the expectation that she knew some English and have discovered that she speaks virtually no English. She was using a friend from her city to speak with me on the 'phone and did not tell me this beforehand, so when I arrived I was much disoriented. "


A “friend” here is normally the agent, whose services she pays for.  


Dating and marriage agencies/brokers, in general, do not have a good name in China. They are working for their benefits only. We sincerely suggest you to be careful if you use them. If you don’t have an opportunity to meet your lady where you are, the Internet is a great way to find her. However if you do find her through the Internet, make sure you are communicating with the lady herself and not an agent or a “friend”. It is not difficult for you to find out the truth if you are aware bad agencies do exist in China. To avoid being cheated by dishonest dating agencies or ladies when you date on the Internet, I suggest:


  1. To use the dating sites where the Chinese ladies come to the site themselves directly and be careful to use the dating sites where the Chinese ladies are from indirect sources, e.g. local dating and marriage agencies/brokers, translators, “friends” or others. Since agencies/brokers tend to use free dating sites to promote their customers,  be aware of this when you use the dating sites that offer free membership for women.
  2. To test the identity of the person you’re communicating with by using a web camera. If your lady is able to access the Internet, she is able to install a webcam that costs much less than a computer.
  3. That whether her English is good or not is not so important. The more important thing is her attitude to English. If she continues to use a translator or an agent to communicate for her and doesn't study and practice English with you hard and directly herself, her sincerity to find true love is questioned (I will come back to this issue again in the next chapter). Love needs good and real communication, of which a common language between you plays an important role in your future happiness.


It is the bad practice of local dating and marriage agencies/brokers who have planted the seeds for bad and sad stories that have happened before and are still happening now. This is also the reason why Chinese government is always cautious about international dating and marriage. Chinese government wants to avoid the bad stories happening by controlling those agencies’ practice. This is the same as in the US, where the US Government introduced very strict laws (IMBRA) governing international marriage brokers and dating service and sites in March 2006. However “To give the sword to people” is the most effective way to help people find true love and to stop someone using people’s ignorance to make money.

2. Watch for the Red Flasgs

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